I’m not sure which is the real culprit or if all three are ganging up on me.
Lately, for the past how many months, my irritability level seemed to have skyrocketed. My body feels always tired not unless I get to exercise for the day. But if I don’t, I feel very lethargic. My motivation and interest levels seem blah. There are times I have many things on my mind I target to do but end up too tired to do it. 😦
Stress? Lack of sleep? Lack of fulfillment? Makes me think if these are adding to it as well. So question now is how do I get out if this rut?
I have been feeling very stressed since the holidays to the point of getting anxiety attacks, which I have to immediately counter with medications so I don’t feel worse.
Exhaustion. Burnt-out. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually.
I know there have been many blessings these past months despite whatever humps I’ve run into. My exhaustion and anxiety, soaring to another level, blind me from appreciating all the recent blessings.
It is so difficult to think and stay positive while you are dealing with anxiety. When all these “what-if” thoughts take control and it takes so much mental effort to fight it down. Of course, the medicine helps to calm those raging and unreasonable anxiousness.
Medications. Another challenge. I have been wanting to reduce taking medications and learning to deal with it through more natural means, but the past weeks have not been good and I needed to. Otherwise, I’d probably be this very irritable and anxious monster.
I know I still have a lot to be thankful for, despite this rollercoaster struggle with anxiety. I am still thankful it is manageable. I am thankful I am sensitive to my body and can feel when an attack seems coming. I am thankful I can still find strength (especially mentally) to fight it. I just wish I can learn more ways to help myself.
During my teens and twenties, I knew without a doubt how photographic my memory was. In high school and college, I can clearly recall what I wrote in my notebook page by page. During exams, I would try to focus as if turning the pages of my notes in my mind looking for the answer to a question. At night before going to sleep, I can recall my day’s events in crisp clarity.
Two epidurals, stress and more than 10 years later, I find myself forgetting a lot of things. I used to be good with names. Now I can’t easily remember them. I misplace things. I forget events.
I have to keep a list of to-dos, a list of reminders, a list of passwords and a whole lot more.
But with this deteriorating memory, what I fear most is that I might forget the good times with my family, most especially with my spouse and my kids as they grow up. There are a lot of funny, warm, loving moments that I want to keep fresh in my mind until the day I die. Moments that I wish I can just easily open from my memory bank and relive in clear detail when I’m old and gray and I want to feel the joy, the love that this life has given.
It’s so sad how sometimes it’s the people you love who kills your passions – whether consciously or unconsciously….
It felt like forever since I last held a pencil and a sketch pad and drew. I had a number of attempts in the past years only to find myself staring at a blank page and finally giving up, or suddenly remembering some other task to do and leaving behind the sketch pad.
Tonight was different. I badly needed some escape… mentally that is. I got my daughter’s mongol 2 pencil and a recently bought sketch pad, started surfing for images in my iphone to kickstart some inspiration (while listenin to Yiruma’s Kiss the Rain)… and started drawing. Hope I can do this again. I miss this!
Half of 2010 just whizzed by and I realized only now that I haven’t posted any entries here nor visited any other blogs.
It’s a cliché but time does really fly especially when you are busy with many things — in my case new ventures and projects.
This year had a good start and hopefully it continues… Abundant blessings, lots of positive changes, and new opportunities.
The thing though with new ventures is I had to readjust schedules. So a number of previous “usual” activities were pushed to the side. However, as things slowly start to normalize and become more stable, it’s probably time to slowly bring back those activities– one of which is blogging. 🙂
Hope time permits… crossing fingers…
October was a rough month for me, though I guess I should also say it was a great month… for improvements and good things came out of the challenges that happened last month. There are a lot of questions, what ifs and still some lingering hurts, but it’s better to focus on the all positive changes that has happened.
As much as I had a lot to write about the past weeks, I didn’t feel like blogging about all the negative stuff and the trials. I guess it was too difficult to put them to writing.
Though I wonder if it would have helped more to ease the hurts to release them into words…